I never thought I would have something valuable to contribute regarding loneliness. When we typically think of loneliness, we envision a crumpled older person living alone or a teenager enduring bullying and rejection from their peers. I’m sure each person has their own perception of loneliness. Me, being an introvert, does not help in any way.
There are various ways to define loneliness, especially for those who have never experienced it or dealt with its symptoms. Personally, loneliness struck me while I was working here in China, exacerbated by two years of lock-downs. The lock-downs disrupted simple daily routines like shopping and having the freedom to choose what and when to buy food, resulting in a lack of physical contact.
Now that the world has returned to normal, I still find myself feeling lonely and depressed. I work seven days a week and maintain constant contact with students, colleagues, and my family back home. So why do these feelings persist? I’ve become an irritable and moody individual without any apparent reason. Living on the 23rd floor, I used to have senseless thoughts of suicide when looking out the balcony window. I didn’t even consider myself to be suicidal or depressed.
Then, after my wife left following a visit, I suddenly felt lonely and homesick once again.
So why do these feelings of loneliness persist? I believe it has everything to do with the quality and meaning of the connections we have in our relationships. Within the context of my job, I cannot freely express my emotions; I am expected to maintain a “professional” demeanor and remain guarded at all times. It feels like wearing a mask, reminiscent of a scene from a movie.
When I’m home alone, I find myself binge-watching meaningless shows or movies. Going out by myself isn’t enjoyable; life is best shared rather than experienced solo, at least from my perspective. Meal times become mundane occasions often accompanied by the TV. To break the monotony and inject some excitement, I resort to ordering takeout, even though I don’t particularly enjoy the food.
For me, my character and personality revolve around meaningful relationships. I won’t go out of my way to cook something special for myself, but when it comes to my wife, it brings me great pleasure. Making coffee in the mornings just the way she likes it makes me feel good. Assisting someone or performing a favor, regardless of how menial the task may be, brings me satisfaction.
Have I discovered a definitive solution to my loneliness? Not really. However, simply acknowledging the fact that I’m experiencing loneliness serves as a starting point. So one of the ways I strive to be authentic to myself is by sharing what’s on my mind, hence this blog.
